The Deception of Self-Doubt

“Don't think about making art, just get it done. Let everyone else decide if it's good or bad, whether they love it or hate it. While they are deciding, make even more art.” (Andy Warhol)

Let’s talk about the deceptive nature of self-doubt.

As previously revealed, I’m in the thick of overcoming my chronic addiction to perfectionism. It rears its ugly head in my mothering and in my creative pursuits. Presenting your soul's inner work is vulnerable stuff. As liberating as the journey to “becoming” can be, it can also leave you judging your capabilities and potential. Why does doubt creep in during these vulnerable risk-taking moments? The Oxford English Dictionary defines “doubt” as;

“the (subjective) state of uncertainty with regard to the truth or reality of anything; undecidedness of belief or opinion. The condition of being (objectively) uncertain; a state of affairs such as to give an occasion for hesitation or uncertainty.”

We hesitate in believing in ourselves. To add complexity to chaos, there is another layer on "doubt" and how it operates in our psyche. Some research in this area identifies the distinction between these judgments of self-worth, as criticisms of self-competence and self-liking. To clarify, “self-liking is the valuative experience of oneself as a good or bad person [while] self-competence is the valuative imprint of general self-efficacy on identity” (Matthew et al., 2012). In other words, these elements of self-doubt could show-up sounding like this;

“Am I even a good person? A good person wouldn't do that. I'm horrible!” and “do I have the ability to do this? No way... I have nothing original to offer.”

It’s not so much the asking of reflective questions that is the root of the problem - it’s believing the toxic narratives that accompany these questions.

For the purpose of this post, we are exploring the moments when we lack trust in our self and how that halts our progress. Unearthing and honouring our hidden talents takes a steadfast commitment to self-love.

Opening up to the world - and the internet - feels weird. It’s not like chatting to a group of affirming faces. Pouring your heart into a creative endeavour is a feat in and of itself. Sharing it on the infinite blackhole of the web is something else entirely. On the day I shared my blog, I was received with sheer love and validation. Then the gloom of nightfall came and I totally regretted my decision. As I tried to lull to sleep, the incessant mind chatter was dripping with self-doubt. It went something like this;

"Who do I think I am creating a whole website dedicated to my ideas? I must be an imposter. Not everyone is going to like your writing, Jenn. They may even think it’s dumb. This seems pretty righteous. Shoot, what if “they” find out I’m thinking this. Eeeek, now I have to live up to these big expectations. Did I set the bar too high? This whole thing is exhausting me already. Is this what I really want? I should just shut it down. Yep, going to put it on hold."

I was spiralling. HARD. Within 5 minutes, I felt like I couldn't stop this runaway train. I wanted to buy more time. I wanted to hide in my safe quiet existence. This creepy voice came out of nowhere and was screaming at me to remain small. But that wasn’t really me. That’s not really you. It’s a bluff.

In one of my favourite books entitled Radical Acceptance, psychologist and mindfulness extraordinaire Tara Brach, affirms that “whenever we reject a part of our being, we are confirming to ourselves our fundamental unworthiness.” (Brach, 2003). By closing down in the height of getting started, I was questioning my worth. We have all done this. We get so steeped in our feelings of fear that we reject our greatness.

SO, why do you question your abilities? Why do you step into the light only to second-guess your shine?

When you expose yourself, you soften to the world. In a society that indoctrinates us to think that vulnerability is weakness, this exposure can feel intolerable. Your knee-jerk reaction is to protect. Self-preservation mode kicks in. Time to dust off your shell and cower into comfort. Not to mention the mind games you play. They spin you in staggering webs of delusion. You can become so entangled in your false story that you genuinely begin to believe it.

The second-guessing.

The questioning.

The demeaning.

The skepticism.

The “I am not enough”.

All tricky mechanisms to keep you stuck in complacency. This mirage can be very convincing. So much so, that you don’t take risks. You don’t curiously create. You don’t advance your ideas. You don’t offer your perspective. You don’t apply your gifts. You may even be so unconsciously identified with the criticism that it becomes the foundation of your self-concept. Living in this uncomfortable yet safe space, your self-esteem suffers. It dwindles in every moment that your inner dialogue echoes suspicions of your inherent abilities.

Judging your competence and likability is cyclical in nature. When we doubt ourselves, we often project that doubt onto the world. A distrust in our worthiness may evolve into a distrust of others. And in turn, repeats the self-sabotaging pattern by influencing our motivations, attitudes and behaviours. In her insightful book, When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times, Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron explains how we further solidify these destructive beliefs;

“The painful thing is that when we buy into disapproval, we are practicing disapproval. When we buy into harshness, we are practicing harshness. The more we do it, the stronger these qualities become. How sad it is that we become so expert at causing harm to ourselves and others. The trick then is to practice gentleness and letting go. We can learn to meet whatever arises with curiosity and not make it such a big deal” (2016).

How do we stop the derailing (and sometimes debilitating) effects of self-doubt?

I'm not on a pedestal. I haven’t fully figured it out. And maybe you haven’t either. This is the point. In many moments, I’m pushing through these shaky feelings of self-doubt in order to self-actualize. There is no quick fix. It takes daily habits and mindfulness - over time - to rewrite limiting narratives.

Here are some of the tools I use to silence hesitation and self-criticism;

• Have an “ability-is-malleable” mindset: You're not a fixed creature. You're fluid. You can change your mind. Some patterns are harder to rewire than others but the possibility is there. This tip sounds overly simplified but really it is the hardest on the list. There can be so many layers and factors that contribute to your self-sabotage, including a history of neglect, abuse and violence. The seeds of self-esteem can grow with time and a commitment to heal. You are not broken. You never were.

• Limit comparing: Comparison is the thief of joy (and steals your confidence). NO one can do it like YOU can. Your approach and life experience coupled with your strengths is a completely unique equation. Like a fingerprint, no one can replicate what you specifically have to create and offer.

• Mind who you spend time with (and share your ideas with): Personal accountability is important but we don’t live in a silo. Are you absorbing criticism and judgment from external forces? This is key in identifying sources and contributing factors to your own self-doubt. Self-esteem can be built-up and teared down by peers, family and even strangers. It may be time to draw some healthy boundaries and stick with the supportive people in your life.

• Devour wholesome content EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.: I created a positive habit. In his very practical book, Atomic Habits, James Clear asserts that “habits are the compound interest of self-improvement” (2018). I created an insatiable craving for inspiring, authentic, illuminating and insightful content. I ferociously consume podcasts, talks and books in my down time. On my bad days? I do it even more. I can be steeped in distrust, thinking the world is a dumpster fire and I'll begrudgingly pop-on a talk and allow the annoyance to co-exist with the gratitude. The only way I actually was able to launch my blog was by doing this. This priming process, gave me enough gasoline to act and temporarily muffle the self-criticism.

• Seek professional help: Investigate (with kindness) your thought patterns. Self-doubt can be a casual narrative that appears once in a while or it can be an obsessive chaos flowing through your mind. I’m not in the business of labelling or medicalizing the human experience but there is a threshold when the quality of your day-to-day life is being impacted. If you are often consumed by a toxic narrative paired with destructive anxiety and fear then it could be helpful to unpack those belief systems with a therapist.

• Adopt a “I am not what I do” philosophy: Your value and worthiness is not tied to what you produce in the world. You don’t have to shout or share your ideas in order to be “worthy”. You are worthy then, now and later - regardless of what you create.

By no means is this an exhaustive list but merely a few pieces to the puzzle of building unwavering inner kindness. For me, acting and executing my ideas is about getting ahead of the cynical voice. It’s about seizing quiet moments of confidence and courage. This is the space where judgment ceases to exist. You just flow.

In all the busy-ness of our lives, it’s not so much about producing something extravagant and epic. Impact cannot always be measured. It may be felt and experienced. It may be believing in yourself. It may be feeling a little more confident in your abilities. It may be learning to merely witness the self-doubt and let it pass. It may be acknowledging your gifts and feeling proud of yourself. You deserve that.

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Tell me - what stops you from letting go of a limiting belief about yourself? What tips and tools do you use to silence self-doubt and lean into your passion/curiosity?

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Want to continue exploring this topic? Check out this talk by Tara Brach on Healing Self-Doubt.

• Brach T. (2003). Radical Acceptance.

• Chodron, P. (2016). When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.

• Clear J. (2018). Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones.

• Mathew D., et al.(2012). Social and Personality Psychology Compass.

• Piotr K., et al. (2020). Types of Inner Dialogues and Functions of Self-Talk: Comparisons and Implications.