5 Ways Simple Pleasantries Will Make You More Joyful

A joyful life is all about simple pleasantries. Small exchanges of goodness. A smiling glance. Kind moments that leave a big impact. Taking the time to give someone your attention. A “hello” to a stranger. It may not feel revolutionary but these flashes of presence, birth a vibrant sense of aliveness. A connectedness outside of yourself and the mundane. It's a way of choosing connection over irrelevance. And choosing connection will always lead you to ‘the good life’.

“Simple pleasantries” are so much more than manners, etiquette and politeness. It’s not about playing nice or being easy-going all the time. It’s definitely not toxic positivity. What I’m referring to by “pleasantry” is the conscious effort to connect, be present and therefore make someone feel validated through this acknowledgement. This directly fuels joy.

Researcher Matthew Kuan Johnson explains that with ‘joy’ “we don’t lose ourselves, we become more truly ourselves”. That “with joy, colours seem brighter, physical movements feel freer and easier, and smiling happens involuntarily” (Brown, 2021). You receive back these confirmations of existence. More joy. More ease. More understanding of the universal human experience. A full circle effect.

We’re at a peculiar moment in time. In the heat of pandemic mania, did you forget how to be in relation with others? As we ease back into this new way of life, we may be uncomfortable seeing people again. A little out of sorts. There has been awkward moments. Confusion on how to act. Setting boundaries for safety. Can I hug you? Do I ditch the mask or wear it? And whatever I choose, are you judging me? It’s been a tricky landscape to navigate. Mentally and physically.

In the mix of it all, have you lost your sense of courtesy? Are you out of touch with graciousness? Do you see the value in simple exchanges of kindness?

I’ve been stunned by the lack of simple mannerisms. Some people have “small pleasantries” down to an art. They can gracefully - and tactfully - engage with strangers and re-direct toxic commentary from acquaintances. While others, avoid connection or small moments of acknowledgement like the plague. Did we lose a fundamental kindness in the thick of our self-absorbed isolation? Are you living in a survival state of mentality?

No doubt, the pandemic has been tough for all of us in unique ways. Burn-out and pandemic fatigue is very real and still happening. People are exhausted from their exhaustion. The toll of finding life balance, financial pressures and family/personal health is taxing on a person's motivation to do and be more. From this perspective, apathy, indifference and a lack of engagement are byproducts of stress. It’s a heavy burden to carry. Hence, someone's lack of “pleasantness” isn’t personal.

This post is about simple exchanges of kindness and care. A way of giving and receiving. Being open to the spontaneity of life. And in so doing, having connections and opportunities present themselves back to you. Embracing small pleasantries in your exchanges will bring you more joy and delight in the ordinariness of everyday life.

1. Acknowledge someone

I’m embarrassed to state the obvious. But you need to start somewhere.

The basic acknowledgement of a person, is the acknowledgement of their aliveness. It’s paying attention. This simple pleasantry is profound. Because under the surface of acknowledgement is saying “you matter”. It’s affirming to someone, “you take up space and I see you”. We all need to be seen. This is a fundamental human right. And without this external reassurance, our light fades.

Do you say “hello” when a colleague enters the space? Do you give a friendly nod to someone passing by? Do you offer a warm smile to a child playing nearby? (If you don’t smile at children you may have deeper issues). The point is - are you aware of your surroundings? Are you noticing the vitality that thrives all around you?

The mere act of “noticing” is a mindfulness practice. Noticing the way leaves flicker on a tree in the wind. Noticing the way a person lovingly cares for their dog. Noticing a biker exert down the street. These are seemingly insignificant moments. But they are opportunities to bear witness to creation and all that exists. To pay attention. To be conscious. And to be conscious is to treat others with care and curiosity.

Genuinely acknowledging your surroundings and the people that occupy these spaces is the bedrock of a more joyful life.

2. Be present in small talk (even when its mundane)

How much do you miss in the day? Lost moments of possible connection because your mind is somewhere else. Friendly chatter is an important part of feeling emotionally connected to your workplace, family and community. To life, itself.

Research shows that happiness is directly correlated with meaningful conversations. Moving beyond the surface talk to dig up useful and insightful topics. I definitely live by this sentiment. I’ve been known to get into hot topics from the jump of a conversation. I become animated in this type of headspace. But it doesn’t mean that I can’t also make way for less intimidating - and intense - remarks. (Note to self: “not everyone wants to contemplate the meaning of life”). Banter is a simple pleasantry you can extend to anyone who crosses your path. Some research shows how small talk can even be restorative and reduce burnout.

You embrace small talk by being present. It’s only meaningless if you assign that value to it. Of course, the depth of the exchange will depend on the social location of the other. Entertaining friendly chatter is a precursor to deep-dive conversations. You have to scratch the surface before you leap into uncharted territory. For example, “if you're chatting with people you already know in passing like work acquaintances, trying to delve deeper is likely to make you happier. If you're standing in line with a stranger and that level of interaction is just going to be weird, then small talk beats no talk at all” (Stillman, 2017). Finding the depth of engagement is the skill. But presence - being here and now - is the foundation.

Drop your judgements and preconceived notions of lighthearted small talk in order to be open to possibility. Connection for the sake of connection.

3. Treat virtual reality as important as real life communication

Giving someone your undivided attention is a rare gift in a distracted world.

I was late to the virtual world of work. Returning back from parental leave to being exclusively online was quite the adjustment. To my surprise, when I returned to the fatigued realm of virtual life, I was shocked at how checked-out everyone was. The lack of presence was stark. Uncomfortably obvious. “Present” on the screen but not really present at all. Feverishly focused on other tasks or just getting-by while people talked to a mindless screen. Is anyone there? Is anyone even listening? It’s easy to energetically cop-out in virtual reality. Especially when you’ve been struggling for too long.

The world of work and play is now hybrid. We’re required to have a dynamic communication toolkit, bouncing from online to in-person engagement. Are you giving your online connections the same regard and care as your in-person exchanges? Are you taking the time to show interest? Being reflexive between different environments is essential in creating and sustaining meaningful bonds.

Remember, if you don’t pay mind to your community online - they will get the hint. The lackluster engagement you serve up, will come right back at you.

4. Carry an attitude of enthusiasm

It’s contagious and undoubtedly makes people feel good. Don’t you want to make others feel great? Authentically approaching tasks and people with some enthusiasm will transform your mental health and the way people feel about you.

Being enthusiastic about something or someone (not everything!) is the most obvious and easiest “pleasantry”. And it’s so undeniably joy-inducing. This attitude deeply benefits the giver and receiver. Have you ever experienced a person who is authentically eager to meet or support you? (Again, I’m not referring to the suppressive nature of toxic positivity. You can’t glaze over hardship with naive magical thinking). The genuine vitality of an enthusiastic person, brightens any room and resonates beyond the present moment.

I may not remember a name but I can always remember an enthusiastic person. Why not have an impact like that?

5. You’re not entitled to anyone's time (or pleasantness)

Do you want to bypass a lot of unnecessary suffering?

You need to know (and accept) that you’re not entitled to anyone's time or kindness. You may deserve kindness, as a good person yourself. But this isn't how the world works. People get distracted and mindless. They lose awareness. Most often because something else is going on ‘behind the scenes’. People have full, messy, complicated lives. And this shows up in your interactions. When you’re consumed by your own inner drama, your days are devoid of the simple pleasantries that make you feel united to others. You lose touch with the possibility for connection. Yet it’s also what would pull you out of the bleakness.

In Don Miguel Ruiz’s book, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, he proposes that there are four foundational promises you can make to yourself that lead to a life of more ease and happiness. They are;

1. Be impeccable with your word.

2. Don’t take anything personally.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

4. Always do your best.

These are reminders when you're in a crunch. When the connections are fading. When people let you down. To master all of the agreements simultaneously would take a great deal of awareness. So I use them as quick suggestions in my day-to-day meandering. If someone brushes me off or doesn’t pay me any mind, I remember to not take it personally. That something is going on for that person. To believe that “whatever happens around you, don't take it personally. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves” (Ruiz, 1997). People have bad days. You have bad days where you’re rude to someone undeserving of that energy.

Not taking anything personal is a powerful pathway to fostering empathy and actively choosing to live in joy. It’s understanding that people are treading tumultuous waters, even when you can’t clearly see it.

So why does any of this matter?

You’re not an island. You’ll forever be a relational being. Whether you accept or resist this inherent human fact will determine your level of joy.

Living through the shock of the pandemic as a new mom, I now know with unequivocal certainty that we are social creatures. The pandemic cornered us in our own little worlds. Leaving us to obsess over our ego’s deceit. The raw loneliness revealed its ugliness. A wound that is still healing for most. When you lose connection with people in everyday life - you lose touch of the “bigger picture”. We are meant to be in communion with each other. We are meant to live in days that are packed with simple pleasantries and small gestures. It's the spice of life.

1. Acknowledge someone in your space.

2. Lean into present moment awareness with uncomplicated conversation.

3. Treat the virtual world with as much respect as face-to-face interaction.

4. Be enthusiastic about something…anything.

5. Know - with unwavering confidence - that it’s not personal and that you’re not entitled to anyone's energy.

Being kind and considerate can take effort. But simple pleasantries are the gifts that keep giving. There is extensive science on this type of kindness.

When you live from this approach, you're taking ownership of your happiness. You're willfully cultivating joy.

Hardship and challenge are inevitable. When you lean into presence and make authentic bids for connection, you're softening your suffering. Even if momentary, it’s intentionally choosing to be good, when you may not feel good. And that’s being in control of your life.

Invest in small and simple pleasantries and you'll see monumental gains in your level of joy and connection.

Tell me - What small moments of kindness come effortlessly to you? How can you be more pleasant and authentic in your day-to-day interactions?

Looking for more? Check out these resources for cultivating positive emotions.

• Brown, B. (2022). Atlas of the Heart.

• Granneman, J. (2017). Why We Need to Have Deeper Conversations.

• Stillman,J. (2017). Science Says Extremely Happy People Share This Conversation Style.

• Suttie, J (2021). How Kindness Fits Into a Happy Life.

• Ruiz, D. (1997). The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom.